Have you ever finally sat down at the end of a long day and felt anything but relaxed?

The kids are in bed, or at least in their rooms. The kitchen is roughly tidy. You’ve made a cup of tea, put your feet up and picked up the remote. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for all day.

And yet your mind is still racing. You’re thinking about tomorrow’s packed lunches, the email you still haven’t replied to, that slightly awkward conversation at the school gate. Your shoulders are somewhere up by your ears. You scroll your phone without really seeing anything. And by the time you go to bed, you feel just as tired as when you sat down. Maybe even more tired.

If you’re anything like me, you might then add a little layer of guilt on top. I had a whole evening to rest. Why don’t I feel any better? I may as well have worked or sorted the house!

But sitting still isn’t the same as resting.

I know this one really well, because it’s been me lately. In the run-up to half term, my to-do list feels never-ending. There’s work, the boys, all the usual life admin, and I’m also studying, which I absolutely love but still need to squeeze in somewhere.

So when I do stop, I can’t sit still. I’m exhausted, but my mind keeps reminding me of everything I haven’t done yet! That anxious feeling makes it so hard to relax, even when my body is in desperate need of it.

The difference now is that I recognise what’s happening. A few years ago I would have just pushed on, feeling awful, until I ran myself into the ground. These days my nervous system tools and mindset work help me come back to myself, even in the busiest weeks. So I wanted to share what’s been helping me.

Your body doesn’t know you’ve clocked off

Your nervous system is always quietly asking one question: Am I safe? Depending on the answer, it moves between three main states. (There are many other blended states but for simplicity we’ll look at the main ones). It can be helpful to think of them as colours.

Green is our Ventral Vagal state where we feel safe, calm and connected. This is where real rest, creativity and joy happen.

Red is our Sympathetic fight or flight state. We’re busy, on alert, rushing, scanning for what’s next. Brilliant for getting through a hectic day, not so brilliant for unwinding. We can also feel anxious, restless and like we can’t sit still.

Blue is our Dorsal Vagal shutdown state. We feel flat, disconnected, collapsed and exhausted, and like we just can’t get up off the sofa.

When we’ve spent all day in red, rushing from one thing to the next, our body doesn’t just switch to green because the clock says 8pm. It’s been on high alert for hours, and it needs time and signals of safety before it can stop and relax.

So a lot of what we call “rest” is really one of two things. Either we’re still in red, half-watching TV while mentally planning tomorrow. Or we drop straight into blue, collapsing on the sofa and zoning out. Blue can look a lot like rest because we’re not doing anything. But it isn’t restoring us. It’s our system running on empty.

That’s why you can spend a whole evening on the sofa and still feel exhausted in the morning.

Rest is something you feel, not something you do

True rest happens when your body feels safe enough to soften. Your breathing slows, your shoulders drop, your thoughts get a little quieter. You might even notice a bit of your spark coming back.

The good news is that you can guide your nervous system there with small signals. It doesn’t need to take hours, and it doesn’t need to be perfect.

Small ways to help your body actually rest

1. Mark the transition. Give yourself a small ritual between “doing” and “resting”. Change into comfy clothes, wash your hands in warm water, or step outside for a minute and look at the sky. It tells your body that part of the day is over.
2. Let the energy out first. If you’ve been in red all day, there’s often energy that needs somewhere to go. Shake out your arms and legs, go for a brisk five-minute walk, or dance round the kitchen to your favourite song. Then sit down.
3. Make your out-breath longer. Breathe in for a count of four and out for a count of six or eight. Do this a few times. A longer out-breath is one of the quickest ways to tell your body it’s safe. If this feels uncomfortable, try one of the other tools instead.
4. Look around you. Slowly turn your head and let your eyes land on things you like: a candle, a plant, the light through the window. It sounds simple, but it reassures your nervous system that there’s no danger here. This is called orienting.
5. Put your phone in another room. Scrolling keeps your brain searching for the next thing, which keeps you in red.
6. Notice what really fills you up. Rest doesn’t always mean sitting down. For some of us it’s a walk, a warm bath, music, a proper chat with a friend. Pay attention to what leaves you feeling lighter afterwards.

With the clocks going back this weekend and darker evenings ahead, these little things matter even more. Less daylight can nudge many of us towards blue, so be extra kind to yourself over the next few weeks.

You’re not doing it wrong

If rest has felt difficult to achieve for a while now, please don’t blame yourself. Your nervous system has been doing exactly what it’s designed to do: keeping you going. It just needs a bit of help to learn that it’s okay to stop sometimes.

When your nervous system feels safe, everything else gets easier, including rest.

Much love,

Jo x